Have got a lot to be thinking about for the weekend,which was why I hadn't blogged in the past few days. After speaking to wee kang and gary in the canteen during friday's recess,I confirmed my suspicions when they told me they felt that i'm a little schizophrenic. I believe I have nothing to refute that at all,because I'm sure its true. But I don't think mine's that severe,as its just emotion switches whenever I think of something,which is in fact rather often.... At least most are happier thoughts,so I don't appear like a suicidal freak often. In fact its very rare I appear like that....

But anyway,its back. It has been incubating for awhile but now its back,and my emotions kinda sway abit nowadays... Strangely it would occur more often at home then in school,so my classmates please don't freak and avoid me at all costs,cuz i'm not that crazy okayyyyy..... Probably because at home I have the time to think more,and then the more unpleasant things come to mind I guess.... And no the unpleasant things ain't related to you,so dun go thinking i'm going back into a relapse of those days. That won't happen,I promise you that. =)

There's suddenly been alot of thought on why I'm still studying in the first place. I mean,I seriously hate studying. Friends are the only good thing in Singapore's education system I daresay. Its only for the sake of my future and how badly I wanna be a career officer in the SAF that keeps me on track. But it doesn't stop me from lamenting about it,and neither does it prevent me from not doing my work and copying either... Dunno la,just hope I can at least kinda buck up soon I guess...

I mentioned friends are the only good thing in Singapore's education. Problem is,I still don't find that many in my own class. This to me is rather disturbing. Or maybe I'm just naive enough to think that people might at least change their attitude towards me after that fateful night reflection of mine in Batam. Guess I've been the only one trying hard I suppose... At least I can be thankful to have Charlotte,Wee Kang,Gabriel and Gary to be the one's I'm closer to and can kinda relate with me... That's mostly it. Just 4 out of 24 in the class. Of course there are a few whom I have pretty decent relationships with,but these 4 are the majors. Not even 20%.

How I confirmed my feelings about the effort put in by everyone,was kinda confirmed during friday's recess as well. Me,wk gary and hq were talking about feelings/anger management,and gary was also sharing how he dealt with his juniors back in SJI NCC... Then Karishma came to sit beside me and was like "eh what are you all talking about? share share! I feel so left out!" and asked me to,get this,sit further out my canteen bench so that she could be nearer to the conversation. O.o so I just turned and looked at her straight in the eye and told her :"now you know how I feel left out last time huh" and she simply gave me a confused look. So i was just like heck it and sat back lor. Soon after I left first and headed for class.

Now how would you feel if you were me? People often tell me I read too much into things,but how would you have felt in such a situation? Think about it ppl,I dun gripe about stuff for nth,its for a reason I feel is justified enough to lemme express myself the way i like it. Its not like I go around and purposely find a reason to stir up shit ya noe?

Another thing was what happened after the incident. I went into class finding only Charlotte and Abhishek in the class. Charlotte told me later on that she had wanted to speak to abhi for some time already,and it was the perfect opportunity that day when only they two were in the class. I kinda forgot what was their initial discussion topic,but I do know that it was related to emotions and feelings and how he expresses himself when dealing with class matters. Me and wen jun joined in. At first I couldn't exactly believe where the conversation was heading towards. Abhi is a man void of feelings and emotions. I mean I figured half of that since last time la,when I had to work with him on OCIP. He says things w/o regards to how the class would feel (obvious hawk). When I ask him he would be like "don't care la,they have to do it what,or its their problem" So I wasn't so surprised.

Little did I know his voided emotions even reaches the point that he doesn't feel a thing about ppl dying! Can you believe it? He says that there's nth to feel to it,ppl have to die anyway. Which is true,but it usually only occurs for most ppl after mourning the loss first! Not directly moving on to the heck it stage! Its freaky to me really. And after all the talking Charlotte told me. "You can be one of his closest friends and help him out of his problem,believe it." I couldn't believe what she's saying. She knows about me and abhi's classic feuds,and she tells me to be one of his closest friends??? I couldn't imagine seriously. I wouldn't wanna worsen my schizo condition that way,since I would be extremely stressed talking to him and all. Then again it could possibly be rewarding. Why not try?

This has been a dominant thought in my head this weekend so far. Other's would include worrying about Charlotte after her brief but alarming state of hysteria on friday morning after she picked up a call,as well as thinking about all my parents have told me recently. Idk what happened to her,but i'm not gonna probe and just be indifferent about it,and pray for her. She seems okay already anyways....

My what a long entry! I shall close up here,since I've got tution early in the morning anyway. Just be hoping that this time the schizo won't last as long as last time ba..... Ok chao.

"Triple X" Jackson out.